Occasionally, during some random interaction of the particles of matter that make up the universe, some small comet meets an asteroid and then they amble towards a star, building gravitational pull along the way, picking up planets in tow and before you know it we have a perfectly poised solar system that has suddenly spring up from nowhere in the Dark Chaos.
A similar random hiccup of probability has been responsible for the birth and creation of D14.
D14 is not the astronomical chart name of some constellation of stars (though it IS home to stars, more on this later). It is not a name. It is not a place. It is not an animal (though some of its inmates, in moments of heated discussion may call each other by animal names). It is not a thing.
D14 is a concept. And an accident. A freak happenstance that brings together a clutch of crazybodies, each of whom rests firmly in the belief that he/she is perfectly sane while the rest are tap-tap on the head.
This concept comprises punjabi rhetoric, south indian hindi accent, binocular vision, a crammed fridge, multiplayer gaming, infinite number of large PET bottles of carbonated soft drinks, passing the buck for yoga class ("you get up and do it", "no, YOU get up and do it"), and an endless, ever-changing stream of domestic help from SAARC countries (e.g. Nepal, Bangladesh. Sri Lanka is next on the cards).
Now to get on with the introductions. Here are the stars that make up D14 (in alphabetical order).
ASHIM SETHI
Ash Sethi is the Man with a Mission. The mission keeps changing but he is never without one. From being the firing-in-charge of recalcitrant servants to being the health & wellness monitor of the house, his sense of responsibility is faultless. Not so his powers of execution (but really that would have been too much of a good thing). He owns the most varied collection of moisturisers in the house and is known for his very very sharp dressing. His theatrical ability and capacity for high drama even in ordinary, day to day situations will leave you weak-knee'd with admiration. He is The Friend - no mountain too high, no distance too long for Sethi boy if it is for a friend. He epitomises the sentiment of the hindi film song 'Mein Yaaron ka Hun Yaar, Dushman ka Dushman, De Dana Dan'. Ash Sethi's histrionics are the stuff of movies and his comic talent is enough to make a constipated buffalo smile. There is only one person is recorded history who has not found Ash Sethi funny. That person is fondly referred to as the bitch in D14 parlance.
KARAN ACHPAL
Karan Achpal is Zen. At a very tender age, Achpala had the entire world figured out. He decided that he wanted to rise above the petty human condition and look at the world from an exalted, higher perspective. The result is a 6'4". Achpal is like a walking oasis of calm: nothing perturbs him, everything is good, all is well. He considers it his inescapable duty to be sweet to everyone and will undertake any task as long as it is for the benefit of anyone except himself. Whoever made up the saying "nice men finish last" hasnt met Achpal. This guy defines 'Stud', and (this is the killer part) doesnt even know that he is one. He is smashingly good at almost anything he does (thats his default setting so he really cant help it). Girls flock to him in droves during Valentines Day bearing gold, frankincense, myrrh, roses, chocolates, yet he is unmoved by all the attention and makes occasional mild laments about his single status. Our theory is: from his height he mistakes the crowd of clamouring girls as general road traffic and walks through it unaware and unfazed. D14 is justifiably concerned that such innocence is likely to be exploited by the cunning female mind - and, as a means to safeguard him, D14 will have to make the extreme sacrifice of exploiting Achpala themselves so as to keep him occupied and safe from the outside world.
KAUSHIK KOVVALI PRASAD
Kau Prasad is Happiness. His innate capacity to be happy in any and every godforsaken situation has baffled scientists, they are still trying to find the mutant gene. Owner of the most winning smile this side of the equator, the secret of his abiding good humoured disposition lies in a simple philosophy: there exists no problem in life that cannot be solved by the i-phone. And now he HAS the i-phone. (Cut to He-Man Cartoon transformation scene: "By the power of grayskull, I HAVE THE POWERRRR" ... music starts ... teee ti ti titititititi tititi ti ti ti). There are boys who like girls (called straight), there are boys who like boys (called gays) and then there are boys who like games (called gamers). KayPee belongs to the last category. Once, when asked to choose between porn and warcraft to take on his hard disk to the lonely desert island, Kau chose warcraft. Evolutionary requirements has forced Kau to master a rare, potent form of charm: since he is late for every conceiveable appointment he has had to learn to wield a form of broad-spectrum charm that can win over anyone ranging from livid bosses to fuming girlfriends to annoyed aunts. He is a vegetarian who doesnt like Paneer (thats like a fish who hates being wet - it limits your options in life). He is rather attached to sambhar and also likes attaching other things to it (like a PC motherboard).
MARY JAMES
MJ is Sweetness. Mild mannered and hopelessly sweet, her eating habits match her disposition: she starts her morning by munching on a handful of chocolates. She is quite what the doctor ordered for frayed nerves on a gloomy day: always smiling, always pretty. She occasionally tries to volunteer as the Voice of Reason in the D14 madness ("we shouldnt get a dog because ...") but is usually promptly outshouted by the prevailing D14 clamour. She was an exercise freak much before health & wellness became a buzz word in D14 and kicks everybody's ass in yoga with her sheer flexibility - you ask her to stick her right leg over her left ear, she can do it. Offer her a Toblerone and she will do it twice over.
SUMIT BHATIA
Bhatia is Clarity. His fundaes in life are clear, no-nonsense and very concise - no philosophy is worth his time and trouble if it cannot be fully expressed within five Punjabi phrases. He finds clothes and english a hindrance to happy, carefree existence but has recently been seen to embrace both for the greater good of D14. Bhatia is possibly the only Punjabi walking the face of the earth who cannot stand Gobi Ke Paranthe, but apart from this aberration, he is as Punjabi as they come. Inventor of the highly scientific and efficient TPMRS (10-point matrimonial rating scale - patent pending, please write in to sumitbhatia@gmail.com for limited period licence) he has an innovative bunch of solutions for any given problem in life, be it love, bosses or how to fix the bathroom geyser. He scorns the softy Bengali tribe but it is a tribute to his large heart that he is willing to make an exception and suffer a member from that community due to the D14 connection.
ARPITA MAITRA
Pita is the author of this article. Self-confidentiality clauses prohibit her from exposing anything about herself.
Aur issi ke saath aaj ke samachar yehin samapt huye. Namaskar.
